The other day I was riding in the car with Andrew and I looked into the side mirror and noticed something amiss. There seemed to be a lot of hair on the outer edge of my hand. At first I thought that the surrounding areas hair had just clumped together in one spot. I was shocked to conclude, though, that I actually have more hair on my hand than I had previously realized. Next I realized that whenever a werewolf starts to transform in the movies they always show his sleeve cuffs sprouting hair first. I quickly checked the mirror to see if i had started sprouting fangs. Thank God I hadn't! Then I started thinking about how what if the reason I haven't had a girlfriend in awhile was because of my unkempt hand hair. Do women find me less attractive because of my disheveled hand coif. If so, how do I rectify this situation. Should I trim it with clippers? Maybe a 3/8 inch or 1/4 inch attachment? Could I successfully blend it with my lower arm hair with a pair of scissors? There is no way I could have that much control with my left hand and some shears. What can I do folks? If you have any suggestions please let me know.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
The Hand Hair...
The other day I was riding in the car with Andrew and I looked into the side mirror and noticed something amiss. There seemed to be a lot of hair on the outer edge of my hand. At first I thought that the surrounding areas hair had just clumped together in one spot. I was shocked to conclude, though, that I actually have more hair on my hand than I had previously realized. Next I realized that whenever a werewolf starts to transform in the movies they always show his sleeve cuffs sprouting hair first. I quickly checked the mirror to see if i had started sprouting fangs. Thank God I hadn't! Then I started thinking about how what if the reason I haven't had a girlfriend in awhile was because of my unkempt hand hair. Do women find me less attractive because of my disheveled hand coif. If so, how do I rectify this situation. Should I trim it with clippers? Maybe a 3/8 inch or 1/4 inch attachment? Could I successfully blend it with my lower arm hair with a pair of scissors? There is no way I could have that much control with my left hand and some shears. What can I do folks? If you have any suggestions please let me know.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Wrestling Shoes
I remember in high school when I wanted to have the special shoes that wrestlers wear. They are completely impractical and pointless but I really wanted some. I never wanted to grapple but the thought of the shoes was awesome. I realize now in my later years that the shoes have no arch support and are hard on the knees and therefore would not be of any use to me. High tops also seems like a statement I am not wiling to make at this point in my life. For some reason, though, they were so appealing eleven years ago.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
The Portrait
The whole Cramer Family. Me, the Mrs., Handful, Responsibility, Ida'one, True, Leland, and Oops.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Saturday, January 3, 2009
The Rap?
Well I the one matthew rollin in the yellow taxi
People yell out white man cuz I aint black see
I got andrew in the front and I in the back
We're both rockin shwarmas from our snack attack
Sam is drivin yeah he's a mean charter
Cops give us static they want some cool water
Next the boys in brown from immigration
AT throws down he got no reciprication
But it is easy o don't let them lie to ya
It is easy o
Well these guys on the streets are not very nice
Charging me extra and call it white man price
The lebonese and indians know I'm from NGO
They see dollar signs when I walk through the door
My friend My friend come have a coke
Now price doesn't matter do you want a smoke
But I cut the mustard yeah down and dirty deals
Cuz I'm a good steward for these orphans meals
My liberian girl says she wants to be friends
But she's dreaming of a church wedding in the end
Try to kick her to the curb and just observe
But she is beeping me and beeping me and getting on my nerves
she wants that visa and I can't blame her
But the school fees and aunties and cousins next door neighbor?
How did you handle business without me in your country
Am I the only one you know with any money
People yell out white man cuz I aint black see
I got andrew in the front and I in the back
We're both rockin shwarmas from our snack attack
Sam is drivin yeah he's a mean charter
Cops give us static they want some cool water
Next the boys in brown from immigration
AT throws down he got no reciprication
But it is easy o don't let them lie to ya
It is easy o
Well these guys on the streets are not very nice
Charging me extra and call it white man price
The lebonese and indians know I'm from NGO
They see dollar signs when I walk through the door
My friend My friend come have a coke
Now price doesn't matter do you want a smoke
But I cut the mustard yeah down and dirty deals
Cuz I'm a good steward for these orphans meals
My liberian girl says she wants to be friends
But she's dreaming of a church wedding in the end
Try to kick her to the curb and just observe
But she is beeping me and beeping me and getting on my nerves
she wants that visa and I can't blame her
But the school fees and aunties and cousins next door neighbor?
How did you handle business without me in your country
Am I the only one you know with any money
A scene from my life.
I was standing on my front porch when I heard a kissing noise from the other side of the fence. I looked and there were two teenage boys walking down the road. One of them was pumping his arms against his chest and he yelled "I like your body." I yelled back "That's gay."
Friday, January 2, 2009
The Wedding
Click here to see pictures from The Wedding
9:00 AM Today is my first Liberian wedding. I am really excited it is Doris, one of the girls at Sajj, that is getting married and she really wanted us to come. I just woke up and the day seems promising. I picked out two shirts last night so all I need to do is watch some CSI:Miami and take a shower before the service at noon.
10:00 AM Watched a cliffhanger crossover of with Gary Sinise except now I need to find CSI:NY so that I can find out how it ends.
11:00 Took a shower and we are out the door to go to the wedding. Stop at Jeety to buy a mattress for the happy couple. I hope they like it.
12:00 PM The service is scheduled for noon. We are walking around behind the hospital looking for the church. We are deep into a community and we finally found the church in the middle of an impromptu meat market. Flys are everywhere and the church is locked. This thing is supposed to happen at noon and there is noone here. Liberia strikes again. We have decided to go to an airconditioned place to wait until maybe somone will be here.
1:00 PM We are back at the church and there is some activity. They are blasting Liberian gospel music into the tiny sanctuary and a guy with tan slacks and a striped shirt is gyrating and talking into the microphone. There is also a drummer and keyboardist trying to play along with the CD. We are seated three rows back which isn't too bad. The building has plenty of windows and could be well ventilated if the neighboring buildings weren't three feet away. I have a feeling this could be a cooker. I came prepared though with a hanky and a fan.
1:20 The service seems to be getting underway but I am not sure. The gyrating guy is now yelling into the mic like as if he were Flava Flav to Jesus' Chuck D. One of the ways to get peoples attention here is just to yell "In the mighty name of" and then the croud yells "Jesus" you can then follow that with a "God is good" to wich the church responds "All the time" then "All the time" then "God is good" Now everyone should be focused on what is happening at the front of the room by now. The procession started and and the candle girl and ring bearer are super cute. Next the bridesmaids, then some older ladies put down lappas between the door and the pulpit. Traditionaly we know when the bride has arrived from the 'ba dumm da dumm ba dumm da dumm' of Here Comes the Bride but at this wedding we did another round of call and response God is goods then they announced that the bride was arriving. Actually she had been milling around the back for a few minutes and now we're ready to get down to business. Everyone was seated and the sermons began. I guess I should be impressed that there were five members of the clergy participating, but due to time consumption and fluid loss I was not. Two guys read key Bible verses, of course one of them was the old 'women submit to your husbands' bit, and they both offered a few remarks. The choir did a couple selections then the main pastor was up. The previous guys had stood next to the pulpit which I felt was a wise choice considering the floor to ceiling archway that was used to decorate it. This guy was not about to let a little decoration oust him from his comfort zone. You couldn't really see him and he didn't really make any sense. He said he had five key points about marriage and he only managed three. The bulk of it was women submitting which is no real suprise. Then he said something that threw me. He started a commentary on why Jesus turned water into wine as his first miracle. He said it was because there was no love in the wedding that had just occured. I think he was trying to say that without Christ at the center of your marriage it will fail. Maybe he should have opted for the three chords that can't be broken, but hey who am I. During this forty-five minute diatribe the bench in front of me started tip. There were a few larger ladies packed on the shoddily constructed wooden bench but they didn't notice that it was starting to tip. The legs were at a forty five degree angle and I decided to intervene. The vows were starting as I wedged my knee against the bench as a sort of brace. I was also holding the top of the bench trying to pull it back to an upright position. This carried on through the twenty five minutes of vows and now the newlyweds had to sign the legal document binding their marriage. Now you need witnesses for any document and the best man and pastor signed but then Doris, the bride, decided to give me the honor of being the third witness. She pointed at me and I totally did one of those 'who me?' points at myself. The reason I didn't want to get up is because I was still holding up the bench in front of me. I was sure if I let go those old ladies would be on the floor. Duty called however and I worked my way to the front. Luckily the bench didn't break and I was able to sign without the interuption of crashing bodies and benches. The service was over and now there was just a lot of uncontrolled rice throwing. It was like I was caught in the crossfire on the beach at Omaha. It wasn't just a toss these ladies were whipping it. I got some lodged in my ear and it took me a few seconds to get it out. This was the longest wedding I have ever been to. Two and a half hours! I have never sweat so much in my life. I love sitting in saunas but at least you are naked. Now I am wearing jeans and a dress shirt. At least this part is over.
4:00 The bride and groom have now driven around town for forty minutes or so, as is the trdition, complete with a guy hanging out the window of the first car video taping the drive around. I wonder if he got some good reaction shots of the crowd on the street. Now they are back for the reception. We used the break time to go to the car and get our present. A mattress. Apperently Doris was too embarassed to ask us for one so she told Gifty to give us the idea. I was happy to get it though. Before the reception starts there is some entertainment. A number of talented individuals lipsyncing to their favorite Liberian gospel CDs. One guy is a crowd favorite and people are yelling out requests for him. He really gets into it. Lots of arm swoops accentuating the important lines of the song and plenty of haphazardly choreographed dancing. I could watch this guy for hours. The reception is in the church and the wedding party is all seated in the front at a table. They are served and the congregation just sits and watches them eat. We ended up getting our meal about ten minutes later. Andrew, Deb, and I got glass plates and soft drinks while the Sajj girls and the rest of the guests got paper plates and orange drink. In Liberian society there is a need to make suttle distinctions in class at any occasion. Even if I had the money to feed everyone on china I think I would still have to serve the regular guests on paper and honored guests with glass as a social obligation. This seems really strange and at first is hard to deal with. All we want to do is for them to treat us as their equals but all they want to do is give us a higher social status. This is one of those cultural differences that I really struggle with. Try as I may with speaking Liberian english, knowing Liberian inside jokes, and other cultural stuff, I will always be a fat white guy in their midst. I know that I am no different but it is their perception of me that needs to change. I feel it is also impressive to show off that you have white friends and that you can afford to treat them well. It's all part of the process. Everyone was served dinner and now to the cake. This cake is like none that I have ever seen before. The three tiers are seperated by tinfoil covered paper towel tubes and each tier has a plastic figure on it. The bottom tier features Belle from Disney's Beauty and the Beast. Tier two has a Snow White figurine. While tier three is a very happy plastic white couple. The cake was doing ok through the dinner but some structual engineering oversights caused it to begin to lean by the time everyone was served. It got to about the angle that the tower of Pisa is before the official cutting of the cake. Next was the presentation of gifts. Andrew volunteered to give the small speech required to give the present. Gifty was up there with him and as soon as she felt Andrew had said enough she snatched the mic from his hands. She mentioned how happy she was that Doris got married because 'her Edwin business was strong.' The Sajj girls all had to get to work so we ducked out with them at five. I was more than done sweating for the day.
9:00 AM Today is my first Liberian wedding. I am really excited it is Doris, one of the girls at Sajj, that is getting married and she really wanted us to come. I just woke up and the day seems promising. I picked out two shirts last night so all I need to do is watch some CSI:Miami and take a shower before the service at noon.
10:00 AM Watched a cliffhanger crossover of with Gary Sinise except now I need to find CSI:NY so that I can find out how it ends.
11:00 Took a shower and we are out the door to go to the wedding. Stop at Jeety to buy a mattress for the happy couple. I hope they like it.
12:00 PM The service is scheduled for noon. We are walking around behind the hospital looking for the church. We are deep into a community and we finally found the church in the middle of an impromptu meat market. Flys are everywhere and the church is locked. This thing is supposed to happen at noon and there is noone here. Liberia strikes again. We have decided to go to an airconditioned place to wait until maybe somone will be here.
1:00 PM We are back at the church and there is some activity. They are blasting Liberian gospel music into the tiny sanctuary and a guy with tan slacks and a striped shirt is gyrating and talking into the microphone. There is also a drummer and keyboardist trying to play along with the CD. We are seated three rows back which isn't too bad. The building has plenty of windows and could be well ventilated if the neighboring buildings weren't three feet away. I have a feeling this could be a cooker. I came prepared though with a hanky and a fan.
1:20 The service seems to be getting underway but I am not sure. The gyrating guy is now yelling into the mic like as if he were Flava Flav to Jesus' Chuck D. One of the ways to get peoples attention here is just to yell "In the mighty name of" and then the croud yells "Jesus" you can then follow that with a "God is good" to wich the church responds "All the time" then "All the time" then "God is good" Now everyone should be focused on what is happening at the front of the room by now. The procession started and and the candle girl and ring bearer are super cute. Next the bridesmaids, then some older ladies put down lappas between the door and the pulpit. Traditionaly we know when the bride has arrived from the 'ba dumm da dumm ba dumm da dumm' of Here Comes the Bride but at this wedding we did another round of call and response God is goods then they announced that the bride was arriving. Actually she had been milling around the back for a few minutes and now we're ready to get down to business. Everyone was seated and the sermons began. I guess I should be impressed that there were five members of the clergy participating, but due to time consumption and fluid loss I was not. Two guys read key Bible verses, of course one of them was the old 'women submit to your husbands' bit, and they both offered a few remarks. The choir did a couple selections then the main pastor was up. The previous guys had stood next to the pulpit which I felt was a wise choice considering the floor to ceiling archway that was used to decorate it. This guy was not about to let a little decoration oust him from his comfort zone. You couldn't really see him and he didn't really make any sense. He said he had five key points about marriage and he only managed three. The bulk of it was women submitting which is no real suprise. Then he said something that threw me. He started a commentary on why Jesus turned water into wine as his first miracle. He said it was because there was no love in the wedding that had just occured. I think he was trying to say that without Christ at the center of your marriage it will fail. Maybe he should have opted for the three chords that can't be broken, but hey who am I. During this forty-five minute diatribe the bench in front of me started tip. There were a few larger ladies packed on the shoddily constructed wooden bench but they didn't notice that it was starting to tip. The legs were at a forty five degree angle and I decided to intervene. The vows were starting as I wedged my knee against the bench as a sort of brace. I was also holding the top of the bench trying to pull it back to an upright position. This carried on through the twenty five minutes of vows and now the newlyweds had to sign the legal document binding their marriage. Now you need witnesses for any document and the best man and pastor signed but then Doris, the bride, decided to give me the honor of being the third witness. She pointed at me and I totally did one of those 'who me?' points at myself. The reason I didn't want to get up is because I was still holding up the bench in front of me. I was sure if I let go those old ladies would be on the floor. Duty called however and I worked my way to the front. Luckily the bench didn't break and I was able to sign without the interuption of crashing bodies and benches. The service was over and now there was just a lot of uncontrolled rice throwing. It was like I was caught in the crossfire on the beach at Omaha. It wasn't just a toss these ladies were whipping it. I got some lodged in my ear and it took me a few seconds to get it out. This was the longest wedding I have ever been to. Two and a half hours! I have never sweat so much in my life. I love sitting in saunas but at least you are naked. Now I am wearing jeans and a dress shirt. At least this part is over.
4:00 The bride and groom have now driven around town for forty minutes or so, as is the trdition, complete with a guy hanging out the window of the first car video taping the drive around. I wonder if he got some good reaction shots of the crowd on the street. Now they are back for the reception. We used the break time to go to the car and get our present. A mattress. Apperently Doris was too embarassed to ask us for one so she told Gifty to give us the idea. I was happy to get it though. Before the reception starts there is some entertainment. A number of talented individuals lipsyncing to their favorite Liberian gospel CDs. One guy is a crowd favorite and people are yelling out requests for him. He really gets into it. Lots of arm swoops accentuating the important lines of the song and plenty of haphazardly choreographed dancing. I could watch this guy for hours. The reception is in the church and the wedding party is all seated in the front at a table. They are served and the congregation just sits and watches them eat. We ended up getting our meal about ten minutes later. Andrew, Deb, and I got glass plates and soft drinks while the Sajj girls and the rest of the guests got paper plates and orange drink. In Liberian society there is a need to make suttle distinctions in class at any occasion. Even if I had the money to feed everyone on china I think I would still have to serve the regular guests on paper and honored guests with glass as a social obligation. This seems really strange and at first is hard to deal with. All we want to do is for them to treat us as their equals but all they want to do is give us a higher social status. This is one of those cultural differences that I really struggle with. Try as I may with speaking Liberian english, knowing Liberian inside jokes, and other cultural stuff, I will always be a fat white guy in their midst. I know that I am no different but it is their perception of me that needs to change. I feel it is also impressive to show off that you have white friends and that you can afford to treat them well. It's all part of the process. Everyone was served dinner and now to the cake. This cake is like none that I have ever seen before. The three tiers are seperated by tinfoil covered paper towel tubes and each tier has a plastic figure on it. The bottom tier features Belle from Disney's Beauty and the Beast. Tier two has a Snow White figurine. While tier three is a very happy plastic white couple. The cake was doing ok through the dinner but some structual engineering oversights caused it to begin to lean by the time everyone was served. It got to about the angle that the tower of Pisa is before the official cutting of the cake. Next was the presentation of gifts. Andrew volunteered to give the small speech required to give the present. Gifty was up there with him and as soon as she felt Andrew had said enough she snatched the mic from his hands. She mentioned how happy she was that Doris got married because 'her Edwin business was strong.' The Sajj girls all had to get to work so we ducked out with them at five. I was more than done sweating for the day.
A note about the bride and groom:
We found out that Edwin and Doris have been together for years and they already have three kids together. It is not uncommon to do this in Liberia. It is impressive though that they already understand the ups and downs of living together and they still felt it was important to make their covenant together with God. Congrats Edwin and Doris. I hope that you have many years together. Don't forget. If you don't have a joyful and loving marriage Jesus will turn water into wine.
We found out that Edwin and Doris have been together for years and they already have three kids together. It is not uncommon to do this in Liberia. It is impressive though that they already understand the ups and downs of living together and they still felt it was important to make their covenant together with God. Congrats Edwin and Doris. I hope that you have many years together. Don't forget. If you don't have a joyful and loving marriage Jesus will turn water into wine.
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