Mason

Save The Date!

Deb, Elena, and I try to help Paul with a new video.

The Bedroom

I realized last night that I will never get to have that quintessential moment in so many movies where I come back to my parents house and walk into my bedroom for the first time as an adult. Slowly picking up artifacts from my teenage years, nothing moved or changed. Posters on the wall. Sitting on a bed that no one has slept in for years. Slowly smiling as all the memories of youth swell within me.
No, my bedroom was converted long ago into the "Man Cave"
Does anyone actually come home to this perfectly preserved time capsule of a bedroom?

ORR Crew and costume bowling!

Maine!

Flying Home...

So people liked my last play by play so know I am going to walk you through the next 26 hours or so. It is finally time for me to leave my adopted nation and come home to the motherland of excess. Before I can leave though I needed to have at least one more fight with a parking attendent. He said he was working, it looked a lot to me like he was drinking a beer. Apperently I disrespected him by mentioning that there was a 50ld charge for parking posted and no posting about driving through. He still wanted the money he would have gotten had we been parking. He was no match for Andrew and I. It wasn't long before I was yelling at him to charge the other vehicles that were trying to drive in too and he let us go. A few good byes to my crew and it was inside the newly "modernized" Roberts International Airport. They are beefing up security for the new Delta flights so I wasn't sure what to expect. No problems until... You guesed it. Immigration! This guy was upset that my residency permit for 2009 is dated to start tomorrow. Kudos to him for actually reading the document and doing a little deductive reasoning. The last two years all started on April 27 so it was just an extension of the original document. I continued arguing this point until he hinted that I had paid someone off at immigration to prepare the permit illegally. Now the line was groing behind me and this usually ends an argument. It worked with the parking guys outside. Thanks to intervention from an old pa he stamped me out and I am now in the waiting area. I am just waiting for them to come in and make me stay one more day.

In the waiting area a guy is walking around with a blow-up pillow around his neck. Classic already. Oh and a cute doctor from MSF that I never asked out is flying out with her boyfriend. Deb will be happy.

Now a lady with a belt that doesn't meet in the front and a mad rush to board.

No problems getting on the plane. Some guy was like "hey you get the most hassled by immigration award" If he only knew the half of it.

Empty seats next to me are a real good sign. Drunken eastern europeans could go either way.

I now realize that they won't let you use phones on flights. So I don't really have anything to say about getting to Brussels exept it was relativily uneventful. There is plenty to say about Brussels though. The first blast of 50 degree air when I got off the plane sucked. I hope its not that cold still in Ohio. I am no convinced that europeans are some of the ugliest people I have ever seen. The shopping mall these people call an airport sickens me. I fear what my home land brings to me. Slick advertising selling me stuff I don't need. Its a far cry from LIB.

Brussels:
If I see another little boy with a David Beckham faux-hawk I am going to throw up.

I am in Brussels at least twice a year. Is it too much to ask that they at least roll out some Belgian waffles? 5 hours until my departure to Chicago. I hate waiting.

Everything is automated. Hand dryers, little gates, coffee makers. If we don't watch out these robots are going to take over. I'm not joking! I was just fine 8 hours ago flushing my toilet with a bucket.

This is turning out to be a crappy bLog entry. There is only so much complaining I can do about these eurpeans. They are ridiculous though. The faux-hawk really is the official haircut for all men here. Guys in suits with them, guys in tshirts and jeans with them, little kids. Its amazing how we can make what once was a bold statement a dumbed down everyman version. I will say that something about this airport gives me painful gas.

Something of note, two Chasidic jews followed by two nuns on the people mover. I need to keep my camera out.

(At this point I stoped bLogging because I realized how lame it was all going. I did accidently speak Liberian English to a black guy in Chicago. It is good to be home though.)

America...

I will be back home from Liberia April 27-July 9. Please contact me if you want to get together.

The follower widget...

I added this sweet widget that would show a little picture of anyone that is reading the bLog. I now realize how lame I am because there is no one's little picture there. Feel bad for me. Read and follow my bLog.

Dead tooth walking...

Around this time last year my bottom left molar started giving me trouble. It was infected and in desperate need of a root canal. I got it filled in here in Liberia with hopes that I could get the root canal in Mexico when I came home. Things didn't work out so well in Mexico and I never did anything with it. I was healed. The filling had stopped it from chipping away and it wasn't infected any more.
Flash forward to last month. It got infected again and was giving me real trouble. I needed to get it pulled. I waited and made excuses which brings me to today. I am at Trinity Dental Clinic in Liberia. My buddy Keith, one of my surfer friends, is the dentist here. I am waiting in the lobby reading a comic book version of the Gospel of Matthew. Solid choice Keith.
Its after the extraction now. Keith shot me up with some dynomite pain killers and numbing agents. When he hit me with the novacaine it felt like I was being electricuted through my lip. I won't lie I made some noise. Keith said it was because he hit the nerve directly with the needle. It was crazy. The tooth popped out with no real issues. I still had an infection and my tooth looked pretty gross. Keith proceeded to show me how infected it was by scraping off the flesh from the tooth. There was a lot of blood and I was not realy interested. I asked him for the tooth so that I can get some money back from the tooth fairy. The novacaine is starting to fade. More later.
I just realized how big the tooth was. I may have just forfitted a full eigth of my chewing power. I am already regretting this decision.
The novacaine is all gone and I was able to eat dinner which I was pretty amped about. I never want to miss a Ma Mary meal. Its amazing how much rice can fit into the pit where a tooth used to be.

My bLog is mind turds.
I have mindstipation.

My bed...

I have a sleep routine now that is rarely failing me. When we first came to Liberia we all slept on the floor with these paper thin yet surprisingly insulating foam mattresses. It was the pits. It is physically impossible to sleep while fanning yourself with a piece of cardboard. I know. I have tried. Those first four months were nearly unbearable. When we returned a few months later Tim had authorized beds for us and they were at the house waiting. The mattresses were comfortable and I was able to set up next to the window in my room. The heat was still pretty bad but it was nice to at least get some airflow. I left last March for the states ready to bring back some sort of small fan unit to keep myself cool at night. Thankfully John VanHuizen left battery operated fans for me. The last 8 months have been a breeze. Literally. I am sleeping better than ever. Through each of these stages I have relied on falling asleep to sermons or books on my ipod. I have finally got sleeping in Liberia down. Until last night. My ipod froze so I wasn't able to fall right asleep. I managed to doze off finally. I was rolling over at about 3 am and then... Bam! I was tipped at a fortyfive degree angle back and to my right.



The small, chinese, brass hinges that hold my bed together gave way. I managed lift my mosquito net and roll out without further damaging my bed. I grabbed a spare mattress and camped out on the floor until daybreak. Now, I have been surfing diligently and the majority of food I eat is farm fresh. I tell you this because a Liberian would say I have been "reducing." I don't deny that God made me a big guy but it is not good for the self esteem when the bed breaks underneath you. Maybe I was just getting a little cocky about how handsome I am. Maybe God just wanted to remind me to be humble. I still have a long way to go.

The Ministry of Transport...

Typed on the go. Sorry for any spelling or grammatical errors. The Blackberry doesn't have spell check. Also, sorry for the length but to get the real feel for this entry it must be a little long.

Today I am trying to renew some documents at the Ministry of Transport. It is 9:41 and there is still no power in the building. I have a feeling this could be quite a day. I didn't register my bike last year because it was never on the road. So I need to take a few extra steps to get registered for 2009 and not have to pay for 2008. I came equipped with a letter Andrew wrote saying that I was not on the road at all in 2008. First stop is the Deputy Director who then sends me to the Deputy Minister's office. There is no power so I am asked to wait in this tiny office. The secretary has stamped and signed my letter but I think I need to talk to the Deputy Minister so I wait. I should have brought a newspaper. I would have made some friends in the office. They are just as bored as I am. No power for the computers means they can't play solitaire or email on yahoo. A side note. Liberians love yahoo mail. Most business owners and government officials use yahoo's service. I wonder if Ma Ellen uses yahoo too?

10:05 Still no electricity. The secretary is now sorting throug piles of scraps of paper in her desk. Now there is a guy at the desk to my right. He is a true government emlpoyee. He is reading the sports section and leaning against the wall.

10:13 The guy next to me now knows that his boss is just downstairs and will be here momentarily. Unphased, he continues to read the sports section. Someone is cleaning out the bathroom nextdoor. It smells like urine. Liberians need to drink more water so their pee doesn't smell so bad.

10:16 Deputy Minister has arrived! Now I wait knowing he is in his office. Yeeeeaaaahhhh!

10:21 Didn't actually need to see the Deputy Minister, just needed his signature. The secretary just walked me to a few different offices trying to find the Deputy Director. He is MIA. Now I wait in the hall.

10:34 I have now been moved out of the hallway by the Minister back to the office I was originally in. The man to my right is now clipping his nails. "So honey how was your day at the office?" "Oh it was rough! There was no current and I had to read the sports section and clip my finger nails instead of emailing and playing solitaire"
If these guys ever catch on to Facebook the entire country may colapse. Unless of course we made a Facebook app to do government work. Then it would seems fun. I think I am on the fasttrack now. Cabinet members don't like white guys milling around waiting. It makes their ministries seem inefficient. Oh and still no power, but the street lights are on in the middle of the day.

10:39 The secretary, now named Charlotte has walked me across the street to the Ministry of Finance where they have apparently paid their light bill and this place is buzzing. Printers are printing, people are actually typing and writing. This place has got it going on. Charlotte is sticking with me. Now I have been seated in another office while Charlotte tries to push through my documents. I must look important today. Maybe its because I keep typing on my Blackberry.

10:52 Peopl are still typing and printing. This is the only government that employees can were baseball cpas at work. An LNP officer is staring at me. He and a fat guy in a pink shirt debated how strong I am. I pretended not to understand. The old guy next to me is a stapling machine.

11:04 Moved across the hall to the cashiers. Charlotte took my money then pushed to the front of the line. She is complaining about having to help me to a guy. I am pretending not to understand. I do feel a little bad. Everyone in her office is sitting around and she actually has to do work for her pay. Sorry Charlotte.

11:12 Gave up my chair to an old ma, was asked to wait in the hall. I wonder if there is power across the street at the Ministry of Transport yet?

11:19 Still waiting in the hall at Finance. I just realized I haven't eaten casasva leaf this week. I need to find some soon.

11:28 Still waiting in the hall. I will explain the reciept process now. The security guy, who is more like a doorman at a NY nightclub, allows only a certain number of people in at a time. Once you make it past him you wait to pay the cashier. After that you go back out into the hall and wait. Once there is a bundle of reciepts, someone hands them to the doorman. He then calls out your name and you collect the reciept. If Barack Obama wants to use those billions of dollars wisely he should implement a similar system in America. The number of jobs created by doing things the Liberian way would put a lot of people to work.

11:40 My receipt is out. So is a bunch of other peoples. Patiently I wait for the doorman to call my name.

11:54 Got receipt walked to Ministry of Education for photocopies. Then back to Transport where a very annoyed lady supervisor was waiting for me. Stil no power and everyone is on edge. She won't sign anything in the dark. She needs her florescent lights to verify these documents. Charlotte seems to be getting tired too. This solid hour and a half of work is taking its toll on her. She asks me to wait back in her office. There is nowhere to sit. Its almost lunchtime on a Friday. I think I may have to abandon this and try again next week. There is, however, a holiday on Monday so the three day weekend will probably leave the transport peole partied out by Tuesday.

12:01 Charlotte found me a chair.

12:04 I need to start carrying a spoon with me. Maybe I need one of those pocket knives with a spoon and a toothpick. I am getting hungry can you tell. Still no power.

12:12 It wasn't just when they were cleaning this morning. The Ministry of Transport smells like pee.

12:20 Charlotte is spraying the hallways with lysol. Apperently she could smell the pee too. Now it smells like peaches and watermelon masking the smell of stale urine.

12:24 There is no power still yet the Minister's office is airconditioned and he is using a doorbell to call Charlotte into his office. It digitally ding dongs and she gets up and goes it. Its almost Pavlovian. Paperwork seems to be getting done now despite the lack of electricity. I am hungry and my stick-to-it attitude is starting to waiver. I may be on the cusp of success but I could be days away from my documents. Blast, what should I do?

12:24 The news is that the Ministry of Transport is looking for a car to go get fuel for their generator. Some guy just walked in. His mustache looks like Yoda's ear hair. How does his wife kiss him. Literally some mustache hair would make it to her inches before his lips. I just grossed myself out writing that.

12:47 Charlotte told me the power would be on in an hour. I decided to take the opportunity to find some grub. When you are downtown in Monrovia nowhere does lunch better than Jamal's Pizzaria. Hello falafel!

12:50 Just so you know We Are The World is still a big song in Liberia. I hear it everywhere I go. Cyndi Lauper, Willie Nelson, and Michael Jackson really should have colaborated more often. The results could have been astronimical. The rest of the people on that song are hacks.

1:01 I wonder if the average Lebonese guy smokes an entire shipping container of cigarettes in a year.

1:03 The white people sitting next to me are the kind of people that work in Liberia so they can have something on their resume. A lot of the people that work for the UN are like that. They come on six month contracts in hopes they will get a more comfortable post the next time. Not to seem all hoity-toity but I feel like they are not in Liberia to help. I digress.

1:21 Done with lunch. Before I go I am taking the opportunity to use a flush toilet. I doubt the Ministry has one. Hopefully they found a car to go get gas for the generator.

1:35 Back at the Ministry and they have power! Charlotte didn't seem that excited to see me although she says the documents are on their way.

1:46 Due to the facts that Monday is a holiday, the Ministry didn't have power until after lunch, and that the usual government employee work day wraps up around 2PM things are getting a little stressful here. Everyone wants to drive to the beach for the holiday but they can't get their documents processed. I am back in the hallway waiting and this place is packed. Liberians don't believe in lines or waiting your turn so there are only mobs of people trying to get service. The only way to get help is to push harder and be louder than the next guy. Fortunately they are all on the other side of the hall. It is still pretty loud.

2:08 Broken chair in the hallway. Much better than standing. There is even a bit of a draft. The hallway is still busy and loud. Charlotte made a typing gesture at me as she walked by. Hold the phone! A huge LNP officer complete with riot helmet and cop mustache just rolled in. At least somebody knows what it takes to be an officer of the law. I am trying to get a better look. I thnink I am going to lose my seat. No luck on a second glance but I got my chair back.

2:21 Still in the hallway waiting. Got my chair back. People have started throwing their lunch garbage on the floor in front of bathroom. Try that stunt in America. Can you imagine? In line at the DMV and somebody tosses their whopper wrapper into the corner. Wait, some guy is leaning over a little too far to see that I am typing on my phone. I admit it. My every move is fascinating. Don't believe me? You think I am self-centered? Come over here and spend some time with me. Then you'll see. I am the whitest thing since sliced wonder bread.

2:42 I am getting close to my breaking poitn. My patiance is running out. The hallway is just clearing out and I am wondering if things are winding down for the day. I really don't want to go home empty handed. I don't have time to do this again. I desperately need Charlotte to stick with me, stay the course, and get this done. Can you imagne what Americans would do if it took us 5 or 6 hours to register a vehicle? Its amazing to me because they aren't even using typerwiters, they are using computers! I think someone needs a typing class.

2:54 Documents are in hand. This has been a ridiculous experience. Stay tuned because I need to renew my immigration paperwork next week.

Don't hassle me I'm a col-local!

Hundreds of women from all over the world are coming to Liberia for the weekend and I am ready for them. The whole country is shutting down for the Women's Colloquium 2009! These dames are getting together to discuss issues like UN Security Council Resolution 1325, building capacity and resources of government and non-governmental institutions to work for women's rights and economic empowerment, hair, and tupperware. The Colloquium will be attended by a number of prominent women like LIB's own Iron-lady and the Conan O'brienesque President of Finland Tarja Halonen. They have shipped in hundreds of vehicles for this girlie gabfest and security is super tight. They asked us not to drive unnecessarily because traffic is going to be crazy. Still, I want to yell Colloquium from a mountain top. I am just so amped. Maybe it's just because it's Friday. Does anyone know where the after-party is going to be on Saturday? Deja Vu? The Lassie Room? I didn't see one on the website. If there isn't one planned our house is right down the road. So come on over President Halonen and bring all the girls.
This really is a big deal for Liberia. Check it out at http://www.womenscolloquium.org

Project Sumo: First Run

Today I dismantled the whole bike for repainting. Foday decided we should paint it bright red and black. We spent the afternoon cleaning and repainting. We got it all back together and it looks sweet. There is a problem with the clutch but it did make a few runs in the yard. The killswitch hasn't been wired yet so it shocked me pretty bad a couple of times. The rest of the team thought that was pretty funny. It really did hurt though. Jennifer got video of the maiden voyages. I like how she is mad that I didn't get shocked again.

Project Sumo II

I have been continuing work on project Sumo and I am pretty stoked by the results I have had. I met up with George on Tuesday in Redlight and he gave me some parts that he had stashed away. One of them was the very important CDI. This little gizmo is the brains of the bike. I am happy he had it because it would have been very difficult to track down a new one. So Wednesday I rewired the CDI and the spark unit, hooked up the gas tank, and kicked it over until it started. It didn't take long before she was running.

Armed Forces Day

We had a great time at the beach on Armed Forces Day here in Liberia but Deb summed it up better than I could. Click here to read what she said.

The Four Colored Pen...

The four colored pen tore onto the scene at some time while I was in middle school. They quickly ballooned to as many as twenty colors in one pen. The things we have acheived in my lifetime are outstanding. I wanted to take a moment to reflect on the four colored pen in particular. This morning at our ORR devotionals Deb was using what seems like it could be an original issue four colored pen. Blue, black, green, and red, just the basics. Instead of paying attention to what was going on I focused on the pen. What are the imlpications of the four colored pen? Has it really improved our life? I pondered this for a few lingering moments. My thoughts are transcribed for you here.

At first I felt like the four colored pen was a great invention. It's only one item in your purse or pocket and if one color runs out another one can easily be clicked in to replace it. I feel now that the benefits stop here. How much space are you really saving? There is no practical use for green ink in the real world so already 1/4 of your investment is useless. Red has a very limited use unless you are an educator grading papers. So that leaves us with blue or black. The two colors that can actually be of use to the everyman. Even a pen with two colors takes up more space than two separate pens and besides one color dying I can't think of another instance where one would need two colors at the same time. If you have one two colored pen you couldn't share with a friend in need. This leads me to believe that if you must use multiple colors of ink in a day you are better off carrying two pens. Then at least you can share one. I just thought of this too. If you are going to lose one pen wouldn't you rather lose a single color and have another ready to go or lose four colors all at once. Your choice.

A final thought. A twenty colored pen, while bulky, would be of some use to an artist that employs the medium of pens. Otherwise, I pose this. You can't write a check out with pink or orange. So what's the point.

Project Sumo?

I have taken on a new project that I am calling Project Sumo. I got this pathetic looking 125cc motorbike from my friend George and since I have nothing else to talk about I am going to bLog through it's repair. There is basically no electrical system hooked up so I am researching how to rewire the whole thing myself. I think I have a good idea of how to do it but i just need to find the parts. This would seem easy except only Africans run the motorbike salvage yards so my white magic won't get me any deals. So I either pay through the nose or send one of my guys to get the parts. That could go wrong fast because we use different technical jargon. Anyway priority one is a new gas tank, the old one is rusty inside and finding a CDI to get the starting system going. I know you probably don't care about this but you have read this far so it's your own fault if you are bored. Once I get it running then brakes and cleaning will happen. Finally I have some visions for the way it should look and Momo is still coming up with a name. He calls my 750 "blafunda" Thats Liberian Momo for Black Thunder. Once she is named we can get a bottle of sparkling grape juice and christen her. Thats a long way down the road though. Oh and Andrew wants to learn how to ride on it before I give it back to George. So stay tuned for that.

L.A.C.E.S.

This is a video I made for a friend here in Liberia. It is a great program. Enjoy.

The Hand Hair...

The other day I was riding in the car with Andrew and I looked into the side mirror and noticed something amiss. There seemed to be a lot of hair on the outer edge of my hand.  At first I thought that the surrounding areas hair had just clumped together in one spot. I was shocked to conclude, though, that I actually have more hair on my hand than I had previously realized. Next I realized that whenever a werewolf starts to transform in the movies they always show his sleeve cuffs sprouting hair first. I quickly checked the mirror to see if i had started sprouting fangs. Thank God I hadn't! Then I started thinking about how what if  the reason I haven't had a girlfriend in awhile was because of my unkempt hand hair. Do women find me less attractive because of my disheveled hand coif.  If so, how do I rectify this situation. Should I trim it with clippers? Maybe a 3/8 inch or 1/4 inch attachment? Could I successfully blend it with my lower arm hair with a pair of scissors? There is no way I could have that much control with my left hand and some shears. What can I do folks? If you have any suggestions please let me know.

Wrestling Shoes

I remember in high school when I wanted to have the special shoes that wrestlers wear. They are completely impractical and pointless but I really wanted some. I never wanted to grapple but the thought of the shoes was awesome. I realize now in my later years that the shoes have no arch support and are hard on the knees and therefore would not be of any use to me. High tops also seems like a statement I am not wiling to make at this point in my life. For some reason, though, they were so appealing eleven years ago.

NKOTB

The Portrait

The whole Cramer Family. Me, the Mrs., Handful, Responsibility, Ida'one, True, Leland,  and Oops.

A new year!!!

The Rap?

Well I the one matthew rollin in the yellow taxi
People yell out white man cuz I aint black see
I got andrew in the front and I in the back
We're both rockin shwarmas from our snack attack
Sam is drivin yeah he's a mean charter
Cops give us static they want some cool water
Next the boys in brown from immigration
AT throws down he got no reciprication

But it is easy o don't let them lie to ya
It is easy o

Well these guys on the streets are not very nice
Charging me extra and call it white man price
The lebonese and indians know I'm from NGO
They see dollar signs when I walk through the door
My friend My friend come have a coke
Now price doesn't matter do you want a smoke
But I cut the mustard yeah down and dirty deals
Cuz I'm a good steward for these orphans meals


My liberian girl says she wants to be friends
But she's dreaming of a church wedding in the end
Try to kick her to the curb and just observe
But she is beeping me and beeping me and getting on my nerves
she wants that visa and I can't blame her
But the school fees and aunties and cousins next door neighbor?
How did you handle business without me in your country
Am I the only one you know with any money

A scene from my life.

I was standing on my front porch when I heard a kissing noise from the other side of the fence. I looked and there were two teenage boys walking down the road. One of them was pumping his arms against his chest and he yelled "I like your body." I yelled back "That's gay."

The Wedding

Click here to see pictures from The Wedding

9:00 AM Today is my first Liberian wedding. I am really excited it is Doris, one of the girls at Sajj, that is getting married and she really wanted us to come. I just woke up and the day seems promising. I picked out two shirts last night so all I need to do is watch some CSI:Miami and take a shower before the service at noon.
10:00 AM Watched a cliffhanger crossover of with Gary Sinise except now I need to find CSI:NY so that I can find out how it ends.
11:00 Took a shower and we are out the door to go to the wedding. Stop at Jeety to buy a mattress for the happy couple. I hope they like it.
12:00 PM The service is scheduled for noon. We are walking around behind the hospital looking for the church. We are deep into a community and we finally found the church in the middle of an impromptu meat market. Flys are everywhere and the church is locked. This thing is supposed to happen at noon and there is noone here. Liberia strikes again. We have decided to go to an airconditioned place to wait until maybe somone will be here.
1:00 PM We are back at the church and there is some activity. They are blasting Liberian gospel music into the tiny sanctuary and a guy with tan slacks and a striped shirt is gyrating and talking into the microphone. There is also a drummer and keyboardist trying to play along with the CD. We are seated three rows back which isn't too bad. The building has plenty of windows and could be well ventilated if the neighboring buildings weren't three feet away. I have a feeling this could be a cooker. I came prepared though with a hanky and a fan.
1:20 The service seems to be getting underway but I am not sure. The gyrating guy is now yelling into the mic like as if he were Flava Flav to Jesus' Chuck D. One of the ways to get peoples attention here is just to yell "In the mighty name of" and then the croud yells "Jesus" you can then follow that with a "God is good" to wich the church responds "All the time" then "All the time" then "God is good" Now everyone should be focused on what is happening at the front of the room by now. The procession started and and the candle girl and ring bearer are super cute. Next the bridesmaids, then some older ladies put down lappas between the door and the pulpit. Traditionaly we know when the bride has arrived from the 'ba dumm da dumm ba dumm da dumm' of Here Comes the Bride but at this wedding we did another round of call and response God is goods then they announced that the bride was arriving. Actually she had been milling around the back for a few minutes and now we're ready to get down to business. Everyone was seated and the sermons began. I guess I should be impressed that there were five members of the clergy participating, but due to time consumption and fluid loss I was not. Two guys read key Bible verses, of course one of them was the old 'women submit to your husbands' bit, and they both offered a few remarks. The choir did a couple selections then the main pastor was up. The previous guys had stood next to the pulpit which I felt was a wise choice considering the floor to ceiling archway that was used to decorate it. This guy was not about to let a little decoration oust him from his comfort zone. You couldn't really see him and he didn't really make any sense. He said he had five key points about marriage and he only managed three. The bulk of it was women submitting which is no real suprise. Then he said something that threw me. He started a commentary on why Jesus turned water into wine as his first miracle. He said it was because there was no love in the wedding that had just occured. I think he was trying to say that without Christ at the center of your marriage it will fail. Maybe he should have opted for the three chords that can't be broken, but hey who am I. During this forty-five minute diatribe the bench in front of me started tip. There were a few larger ladies packed on the shoddily constructed wooden bench but they didn't notice that it was starting to tip. The legs were at a forty five degree angle and I decided to intervene. The vows were starting as I wedged my knee against the bench as a sort of brace. I was also holding the top of the bench trying to pull it back to an upright position. This carried on through the twenty five minutes of vows and now the newlyweds had to sign the legal document binding their marriage. Now you need witnesses for any document and the best man and pastor signed but then Doris, the bride, decided to give me the honor of being the third witness. She pointed at me and I totally did one of those 'who me?' points at myself. The reason I didn't want to get up is because I was still holding up the bench in front of me. I was sure if I let go those old ladies would be on the floor. Duty called however and I worked my way to the front. Luckily the bench didn't break and I was able to sign without the interuption of crashing bodies and benches. The service was over and now there was just a lot of uncontrolled rice throwing. It was like I was caught in the crossfire on the beach at Omaha. It wasn't just a toss these ladies were whipping it. I got some lodged in my ear and it took me a few seconds to get it out. This was the longest wedding I have ever been to. Two and a half hours! I have never sweat so much in my life. I love sitting in saunas but at least you are naked. Now I am wearing jeans and a dress shirt. At least this part is over.
4:00 The bride and groom have now driven around town for forty minutes or so, as is the trdition, complete with a guy hanging out the window of the first car video taping the drive around. I wonder if he got some good reaction shots of the crowd on the street. Now they are back for the reception. We used the break time to go to the car and get our present. A mattress. Apperently Doris was too embarassed to ask us for one so she told Gifty to give us the idea. I was happy to get it though. Before the reception starts there is some entertainment. A number of talented individuals lipsyncing to their favorite Liberian gospel CDs. One guy is a crowd favorite and people are yelling out requests for him. He really gets into it. Lots of arm swoops accentuating the important lines of the song and plenty of haphazardly choreographed dancing. I could watch this guy for hours. The reception is in the church and the wedding party is all seated in the front at a table. They are served and the congregation just sits and watches them eat. We ended up getting our meal about ten minutes later. Andrew, Deb, and I got glass plates and soft drinks while the Sajj girls and the rest of the guests got paper plates and orange drink. In Liberian society there is a need to make suttle distinctions in class at any occasion. Even if I had the money to feed everyone on china I think I would still have to serve the regular guests on paper and honored guests with glass as a social obligation. This seems really strange and at first is hard to deal with. All we want to do is for them to treat us as their equals but all they want to do is give us a higher social status. This is one of those cultural differences that I really struggle with. Try as I may with speaking Liberian english, knowing Liberian inside jokes, and other cultural stuff, I will always be a fat white guy in their midst. I know that I am no different but it is their perception of me that needs to change. I feel it is also impressive to show off that you have white friends and that you can afford to treat them well. It's all part of the process. Everyone was served dinner and now to the cake. This cake is like none that I have ever seen before. The three tiers are seperated by tinfoil covered paper towel tubes and each tier has a plastic figure on it. The bottom tier features Belle from Disney's Beauty and the Beast. Tier two has a Snow White figurine. While tier three is a very happy plastic white couple. The cake was doing ok through the dinner but some structual engineering oversights caused it to begin to lean by the time everyone was served. It got to about the angle that the tower of Pisa is before the official cutting of the cake. Next was the presentation of gifts. Andrew volunteered to give the small speech required to give the present. Gifty was up there with him and as soon as she felt Andrew had said enough she snatched the mic from his hands. She mentioned how happy she was that Doris got married because 'her Edwin business was strong.' The Sajj girls all had to get to work so we ducked out with them at five. I was more than done sweating for the day.

A note about the bride and groom:
We found out that Edwin and Doris have been together for years and they already have three kids together. It is not uncommon to do this in Liberia. It is impressive though that they already understand the ups and downs of living together and they still felt it was important to make their covenant together with God. Congrats Edwin and Doris. I hope that you have many years together. Don't forget. If you don't have a joyful and loving marriage Jesus will turn water into wine.